I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
