she woke up with a sticky ear
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
