Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
