I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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