dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
