What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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