how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
