Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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