I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
