12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
