you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Can you bring me the toilet please
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
