she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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