My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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