After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This toilet bowl is my home.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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