I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
