She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
