from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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