I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
