girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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