Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
