Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
