I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I looked at my own cervix.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
