Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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