it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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