no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
