I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
