is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
