take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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