Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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