When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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