My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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