i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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