i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
