I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
