This is not my ceiling
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
