I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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