gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
