i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your penis caused this!
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