I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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