highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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