Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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