this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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