There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
