If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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