Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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