dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
