You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
