I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
