Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
