and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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