fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
