So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
