please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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