oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
