he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
