We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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