im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
