Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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