We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
